No Family is Perfect
by hellointernet
Summary: ...especially not the Greek gods'. After all, no family can do without a few arguments, right? A series of short drabbles on the daily arguments of the gods.
1. Fresh and Dead

_Disclaimer._

* * *

"I hate you! Why do you have to fall in love with me? I want to go back to my mother. I'm the goddess of flowers. Do you _know_ what that means? It _means_ I can't stay in this drab piece of building litter with skulls that you call palace. I need sunlight and nature! And just in case you missed the point, **_I HATE YOU!_**" Persephone screamed at Hades.

"Did you just say 'I hate you' to me? No one gets away after they say 'I hate you' to me. No one! Do you hear me? **_NO ONE!_**" Hades threatened. He thought he did a pretty good job at scaring Persephone.

Persephone merely smirked. "What are going to do about it? I'll say it one more time. I hate you."

Hades was shocked. Everyone was scared of him after one of his threats. That's why his brother, Zeus, appointed him as the God of the Underworld. But Persephone wasn't scared of him. One more reason to love her. Why, his cold, steel iron heart has melted when he first saw her.

But he would not, _cannot_ stand for this insult at his threat. "You get the skull finger!" Hades bellowed. He showed her his middle finger. It was painted with a skull. Girlish? Don't you dare say that!

Persephone stuck her tongue at Hades. "Excuse me? **_I_** get the skull finger? Well, you get both of my pomegranate fingers," she stuck out both of her middle fingers. It was painted with pomegranates.

"You dare do that?" Hades thundered. "You get the other skull finger!"

"You dare do that?" Persephone mimicked. "Yes. I dare. And your fingers aren't hurting me. I am _soo_ out of here. You're a maniac."

"Don't you dare walk out on me, wife!" Hades ordered. Persephone cringed at the word 'wife'. "If you do, you'll meet the wrath of my cute little dog, Cerberus."

Persephone sighed. "Heavens, you're come backs are so lame." Hades gave her a puzzled look.

"Hel-lo? Your come backs are going downhill. They were fine until you went 'my cute little dog'. No one says that in an argument. Not even mortals," she shook her head.

"Well, your… your come backs are lame too!" Hades sputtered. He sounded like a spoiled brat with… well, no good comebacks.

"See? This is what I'm talking about," Persephone said. "I cannot live with a guy who is maniac and the King of the Underworld and also make lame comebacks. Besides Cerberus is fond of me. I am going to my chambers."

Persephone turned away, muttering about how she's going to have to find the book 'Witty Comebacks and How to Make Yours Better' for Hades. She stepped out of the room, leaving a depressed and confused Hades.

Hades sank into his throne. He called for his multi-headed dog, Cerberus. After a moment of waiting, he looked up to see what was taking the dog so long to come to his master. There was Cerberus, padding softly beside Persephone.

He called for Cerberus again. The dog turned to look at his master. Persephone walked ahead, before calling to Cerberus, "Here boy!"

Cerberus looked at Hades then back at Persephone, who was waiting for him, as if was to decide which of the immortals' his loyalty should lie with. The multi-headed dog decided that he decided that he have been beside Hades to last numerous lifetimes. Cerberus bounded to Persephone, who in turn petted his head and smiled smugly at Hades from down the hall before she and the dog disappeared into her chambers.

What happened to the expression 'Dogs are men's best friends'? Or in this case, 'god's best friend'. Cerberus. That traitor.

_Note to self: Never believe in the expression 'dogs are men's best friends' and buy a one headed cat to annoy Cerberus. Remember. One headed only. If you buy a multi- headed cat, it may turned out as a traitor or be The Traitor (aka Cerberus)'s friend._

* * *

_Really short drabble. __I found it when I was going through all my docs. My friend and I wrote it a few years ago and I still have it. I don't really know if you got the whole middle finger thing. We were painting nails and she painted a skull on my middle finger and we were obsessed with Percy Jackson so we got talking about how Hades could be like 'You get the SKULL FINGER!'_

_So yeah. Thanks for reading and tell me what you think! And as I said, requests are welcome. _


	2. Nerds and Jocks

Ares barged in into Athena's chamber.

"Hey, Athena!" Ares greeted her loudly.

"You could have knocked," Athena said, not even looking up from her desk. Humph

"You want me to knock down the door?" Ares asked, mockingly.

"No! But you could have knocked," Athena answered, frustrated. Why? Why did she have to be the one with a git for a 'brother'?

"Would you appreciate it?" Ares demanded.

"Yes."

Ares stomped out of the room, sighing. His 'sister' was soooo bossy. Just because she was the genius and Zeus's favorite daughter. And the way she keeps shoving the fact that she as the goddess of 2 things while he, Ares, was the god of one thing. Which makes her soooo important. Not.

He totally doesn't get the wisdom part. Who needs that when you have strength? And what's the point of having the wise Fates if Athena was going to be the wise and bossy one. Other than the snip, snip part, of course. But then, might as well be nice if he's going to get permission.

Ares banged harshly on the door before letting himself in.

"Hey, Athena!" he said, trying and hoping to sound cheerful.

"What do you want?" Athena said, bored. Damn. She knows him too well.

"No 'What's up bro'? No 'hello'?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you were into fake cheery entrances like your stupid girlfriend."

"Hey!" Ares started angrily.

"You are a disgrace to the art of war, all you do is kill people and that is wasting life," Athena snapped to her 'brother'.

"At least I don't talk to those creepy big-eyed birds."

"Don't you dare criticize my precious owls," Athena threatened, "you mindless useless "god"" Athena made quotation marks when she said god. "Whenever you go to battle fields, you're always getting hurt and crying like a baby, you're such a disgrace to all of the Olympians."

"Hey! That was only once and…"

"Yeah right"

"Shut up you bitch!"

"Did you just call me a bitch? Oh you're going down brother" Athena tackled Ares and punched him in the face.

"You better watch out or I'm gonna use my spear!" Athena threatened her brother.

"I declare a war!" Ares said in anger.

"Oh, do you wanna lose again like in the Trojan War? When I defeated you lightly as well as your stupid girlfriend, Aphrodite is such a cheater and why would she want to go out with a stupid god like you?" Athena pretended to think for a few seconds, "Oh yeah, because she's as idiotic as you!"

"Don't you dare say things about my dear Aphrodite!" Ares growled to Athena.

"I can't belive that the Goddess of love would go out with the disgrace of Olympus!" Athena exclaimed.

"I am not a disgrace to anything!" Ares retorted.

"Oh yeah? Well let's find out if you are or not." Athena smirked. She picked up her spear and threw it at Ares. Ares ducked but the spear was just a distraction. Athena jumped and smashed her shield into Ares face, making it all bloody. Then when Ares tried to defend himself, Athena's owl started to attack him and Athena attacked him viciously, her moves all planned out.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ares shrieked as he ran as fast as he could away from Athena. Very smugly, Athena smiled and strutted away smirking. Winning battles, albeit easy ones, against the wimpy Ares never failed to lift her mood.

* * *

_This is another one that I found. Edited last night and ta da! Extreme sibling rivalry. _

_Not quite sure what Ares wanted here. It was a long time ago and I forgot. It's up to you about what he wants. _

_Thanks for reading and hoped you liked it! _


	3. Watery Cows

"What did I ever do to you?" Poseidon screamed as a cow chased him in the throne room.

" You big three are all the same! Cheating, lying and being with other women!" Hera screamed back.

For once, she wasn't arguing with Zeus, who was off hiding somewhere. Plus, Athena was arguing with Ares about war so Poseidon was not arguing with anyone.

Until Hera came along. The cow got angrier when Poseidon splashed it with salt water.

"I am not like Zeus," Poseidon panted as he finally made the cow go away. "I am not dramatic. AND, I've been staying away from women since Percy."

"Exactly! You big three. Getting drunk and running off to some woman, making children. Even though you took the oath, you three still have children, being unfaithful!" Hera glared at him.  
"In MY defense, Nico was born BEFORE the oath so he couldn't really count. Unlike someone else's child," Hades called out from across the room, momentarily halting the banter he was having with Demeter about Persephone. Again.

Oh, why did Hera decide to pick on him?

"NOT THE POIN!" Hera screamed at Hades. _Someone_ has anger management issues. "You with the Jackson kid-

"Percy," Poseidon interrupted.

"-, Zeus with the weird television woman spawn, and Hades with that Italian. They are a threat! They can be corrupted easily and they have too much power. They can be unstable!"

"Hey! I'll have you know that Percy has his powers perfectly under control! And what does Nico and Thalia have to do with this? Thalia's joined the Hunters already. She's more stable than ever. And Nico is a fine kid when you get to know him!" Poseidon protested.

Protecting his brothers' kids. Yeah. He knows, uncharacteristic of one of the big three to defend the others' kids. But Percy was friends with both of them. And any friends of Percy were a friend of him. Or an alliance. Or an acquaintance. Or… yeah, you get the idea.

"That's not my real point! My point is that you men are unfaithful. We could have had a nice family. But _noooo_, you people always go off Olympus to women!" Hera spat out, fuming.

"Hey! What about Aphrodite? Or Demeter? They have kids too! Why do you always pick on us men? And do you really think that we can have a nice happy family with a mother who throws a child off Olympus because he was too ugly?" Poseidon retorted.

"Don't bring me into this, Poseidon!" Hephaestus called out, eyes never leaving the metal object that he was tinkering with. "It's a personal matter that I shall deal with later."

Hera took a moment to divert her attention from Poseidon to glare at Hephaestus.

Poseidon, quickly seizing the chance, ran from the throne room to hide from the wrath of Hera. Maybe he could go to Percy later, although it probably wasn't much of a good idea seeing as Hera would be mad (more so) at him.

* * *

_Poor Poseidon. Zeus is probably glad that Hera turned her attention on someone else... And the whole Poseidon protecting the other Big Three kids because he's the nice guy, unlike the others. Well, as nice as a god could be. _

_Thanks for reading and hoped you liked it!_


	4. Beauty and the Delivery Boy

Hermes knocked on the Aphrodite's door. "I've got a delivery for you 'Dite," Hermes said.

"Oh! Is it the perfume that I ordered?" Aphrodite asked while she jumped up from her dressing table to open the door "Or is it the jewelry?"

"It's the perfume. Honestly goddess, you buy too much stuff!" Hermes complained.

"What? A goddess needs her things to survive the harsh world. Do you KNOW how much those Gucci shoes cost nowadays? And those Chanel cosmetics are so expensive. I can't believe it! Humans are going mental nowadays. I mean look at the prices!" the goddess rambled.

"Yeah, sure, so expensive," the god of thieves said sarcastically "You won't be able to survive. Sure. Whatever!"

"The world is so harsh," Aphrodite said, sniffing dramatically.

"Look beauty queen," Hermes grumbled "I'm sick and tired of delivering your princess crap every 20 minutes (literally) from the Empire State Building Lobby. If you want to get your stuff you better get a freaking slave or go down there by yourself! What do you think you have arms and legs for?"

"Um... they're there so that bags and accessories can have a place to be?" the blonde guessed, rolling her eyes like it was the most obvious thing.

"No! They're there so that you can carry and walk for crying out loud!" Hermes bellowed.

"Anyways, you need to find a new person to get your stuff because I have way better things to do!" he said.

"Like meeting people? Such as women?" Aphrodite said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"No! I have deliveries okay?"

"You're no fun! I'm going to buy more clothes. I heard that Hermes is having a big sale!"

"There's a brand named after me?" The god shook his head. "Anyways, you can't order anymore clothing because I'm not going to deliver them for you," he declared.

"Ohhh… Please…. Pretty please? There's this really cute dress in Louis Vuitton and I found this _amazing_ coat in Burberry. I mean, have you SEEN my clothes? They are soooo last season," Aphrodite said.

"You just bought them not even 24 hours ago."

"Darling, if you want to look good, you have to be in fashion and trust me, fashion changes VERY quickly. You could use a new blazer I saw this morning in Valentino. And _please_ change out of those dreadful track pants; they make my eyes hurt. Don't forget to change those worn out sneakers. They were out years ago. I recommend Oxfords but if you love sneakers, I found a beautiful pair of silver sneakers yesterday," Aphrodite stated.

"Well if you hadn't noticed, I didn't even have time to change because of YOUR deliveries," Hermes accused.

"Wow…. Sorry… Just thought you needed some advice on your clothes," Aphrodite said, obviously miffed.

"You know what I need advice on?" Hermes said "On how to get you to stop freaking annoying me!"

"I'm sorry," the goddess apologized with big puppy eyes.

"Don't use your puppy eyes on me. They aren't going to work," Hermes said.

Aphrodite's puppy eyes swelled up with tear.

"I'm sorry," Hermes said after a few minutes of Aphrodite fake (but Hermes didn't know) crying.

"It's ok…," Aphrodite sniffed.

"I'm really sorry 'Dite for yelling at you. What can I do to make it up for you?" Hermes asked gently.

"Well, can you pick up a package waiting for me in the lobby?" Aphrodite sniffed quietly.

She was using her charmspeak but luckily Hermes didn't know.

"Of course 'Dite." Hermes replied and started walking to the elevator.

Aphrodite turned around and quietly and started laughing manically.

"Victory is mine!" Aphrodite cackled evilly (yet it sounded sweet).

Hermes arrived in the Lobby. When he saw the package waiting, he blinked and realized that Aphrodite used charmspeak on him.

"Damn it!" he cursed.

* * *

_Another one found! You so know this conversation could (and totally would) happen. Poor Hermes. _

_I don't actually know if charmspeak works on gods... _

_Thanks for reading and hoped you liked it! _


	5. Fizzy Wine

Zeus appeared with a bright light in the Big House just as Chiron was handing out the deck of pinochle.

"Dionysus!" Zeus thundered.

Dionysus looked up from his chair where he was examining his cards. He grunted something that sounded like "Yes, Father?"

"I have watched your progress with camp for a few days. And I am not pleased with your behavior! You should be helping out the kids, not calling them insufferable brats!" Zeus proclaimed.

"You're never pleased with anything that I do," Dionysus muttered. Then he sighed his long suffering sigh and laid down his cards.

"I am terribly sorry that you're not pleased with my behavior. I'll try to change my behavior towards the demigods," he said, trying to sound sincere even though he wasn't even going to try.

"That's what you said before you went off with that nymph!" Zeus shouted, lightning flashing. Everyone else did always think that the king of the gods had a flair for dramatics.

"Yes, yes. That was years ago. Not relevant for this problem, is it? Mmm?" Dionysus said, looking at his cards with renew interest.

"I'm punishing you so that you can learn from your mistakes, Dionysus, not so that you can make the lives of our children miserable," Zeus said.

"Yes. I suppose not," Dionysus mumbled. He found that agreeing with Zeus actually made him go away faster. And he was determined to win this round with Chiron.

"You are not listening! You-"Zeus was cut off by Dionysus.

"Oh for goodness sake! It was one time! It's bad enough that you've prohibited me from drinking wine! I have to stay here to ensure the safety of the brats. I'd rather be in Olympus with my wife!" Dionysus ranted after he was finally fed up with his father's scolding.

"It's not even fair that I have to stay here for a century or so for just chasing one off-limits nymph twice? ONE NYMPH! Just _twice_! And I get sentenced to this stupid camp? What about Apollo and his flings? Or Hermes with his thievery? Hmm? No! You always overlooked their mistakes. And always go extreme with my punishments," Dionysus complained.

He sighed, "I did always say that you've always liked punishing me."

"What? W-w-what are you talking about? I've punished the others too!" Zeus protested. It was the first time that Dionysus talked back to him.

"Sure you do," the wine god said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Zeus spluttered something incoherently. "I'll come back later when you are feeling better! This is not finished!" Zeus said, frowning. Then he disappeared with a flash.

Dionysus sighed his long suffering sigh again.

"Now, where were we?" he asked Chiron.

"I believe I have won," Chiron replied. Dionysus looked at the cards. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an archery class to get to." With that, he clopped out of the Big House.

"I suppose I'll never beat you," Dionysus sighed again. He decided to have his afternoon nap right now. He had enough drama for one day.

* * *

Back in Olympus:

"Hera dear, do you think that I've always been too hard on Dionysus with his punishments?" Zeus asked his wife worriedly.

"I'm not talking to you, you womanizer!" Hear sniffed indignantly before strutting off to somewhere.

Zeus sighed, "What is she mad about this time?"

* * *

_Dionysus gets no love. And he'll never beat Chiron in cards. _

_ Though this is left as incomplete, I'm not really going to update this unless I get the muse or requests. I have other stories that I want to work on. _

_Thanks for reading and hoped you liked it!_


	6. This Moon is on Fire! (Or just bloody)

"And what exactly are you implying, dear brother?" Artemis sneered at her brother.

"Nothing, sis! I'm just saying, just learn to back off a little while okay? I mean, you're there _all _the time, it's kind of creepy," Apollo raised his hands in defense.

"I am not there _all_ the time/"

"Dude – uh- dudette, I mean. It's okay if you wanna be there for my awesome sunrise and I guess to see all the women waking up. I get that. Some of them are really hot and we all know you're into that."

He narrowly dodged an incoming arrow.

"But seriously, you gotta let it go, you know. I need my time to shine and I can't do that with you being there all the time being all creepy and shit."

"Creepy? CREEPY? I am _not_ creepy!" the huntress screeched. "What's wrong with wanting to protect females and keep an eye on them so that they're safe from lecherous eyes of men like you?!"

"I'm not saying you _can't_ be there on the sky when it's day. Maybe just the first part of the morning is okay. I'd prefer it if you stick to the schedule that Zeus gave us. I mean, mortals get freak out about that stuff you know. They get all excited when we're both out," the sun god paused. "Not sure why though, because I'm obviously enough for them."

"Then what exactly are you saying?" the other demanded.

"I'm just saying that you can't be there _all_ the time. I mean, its morning and you're still out there in the middle of the sky when I come up. And what about that time you unexpectedly came out and covered me up?" Apollo asked.

Artemis huffed and turned up her nose. "That was because the Hunters had an emergency. They needed transport and I had to help them."

"Yeah, but we've gone over this before. If I can't cover _you_ because I felt like going out on a night run, you have no right to cover _me_ when I'm on my stage! Need I remind you that you made the rules sis?" the man shoved his finger in the goddess's face.

"Tch. There was no way that you can cover me. That's just unnatural. Think of what the mortals would think, you… you giant big ball of gas coming out in the middle of the night," the silver eyed huntress reasoned.

"Well, if I can't make an eclipse on you, you can't just suddenly pop out and go over me when you feel like it. We agreed that if you were going to do transport the Hunters, you were going to have it scheduled and tell me beforehand!" Apollo argued.

"I'm don't have to tell you everything, _little_ brother," Artemis glowered.

"Sis, I told you! I was born _first_! I'm older than you," the sun god yelped.

"No, you weren't. I helped mother conceive you, idiot little brother."

"Was so!"

"Was not! I am not going to argue with you like a 5 year old."

"Well, technically, you're the one who looks like a 12 year old. I, however, am a _hot_ university student with the perfect sun tan," he paused for dramatic effect. "And yes, those words did come from one of the lovely ladies at the university."

Artemis scowled. "Disgusting."

"Well, at least I'm not the one announcing my period to the whole world the other night. I mean, I sort of get that you were on mood swings and you were pissed because some of your Hunters got injured – lovely ladies by the way, especially… what's her name? Ta… Tina? No, no. It was something else like Talin… Talino? Thalie?" Apollo trailed off, lost in thought as he thought of the numerous girls that he'd hit on.

"Apollo…," Artemis growled warningly.

"Right. What I meant to say was, you can't go all rage and turn the moon red! That's taking away all the attention from _me_! I shine brighter than ever in the summer and what do the puny mortals talk about? You having your period!" Apollo cried in outrage.

"Apollo! That is inappropriate to talk about, especially with a female! You disgusting pig!" Artemis rambled on. "- and that's why males are such chauvinists –"

"Sis, chill. I know that anyone can mess up, well, except for me, since I'm perfect. Really, it's okay. How about this? I'll shine brighter than usual and the mortals will all forget about your embarrassing moment with you period and the blood moon. Instead, they'll focus on _my_ heat," Apollo offered, oblivious to the murderous look his sister was giving him. "It's a win-win situation, right?"

Artemis screamed a wordless scream.

* * *

Ares looked up in surprise as Apollo ran past yelling back, "You can't try to kill the sun! Think of the last time you did and the Earth went into the Dark Ages. Besides, your arrows can't handle my hotness!"

Artemis ran after him, firing off an arrow every few feet.

Ares cheered briefly before running after the quarreling siblings in hopes of seeing bloodshed.

* * *

_So uh, I hope you liked it. This was from a request. This was written just by me. Not with my friend. I wrote it and did send it to her for anymore ideas and whatnot but she never replied. Half of the idea is hers though. She was the one who thought of the moon being creepy because you can still see it even though the sun already rose. The other half about the blood moon was me. Hope that wasn't that disgusting... _

_I hope it's still as funny as the others. And yeah, if you didn't guess, Apollo was trying to think of Thalia's name. Even though she's the daughter of Zeus, Apollo's probably wouldn't remember her name because 1. He's a god and they aren't likely to remember names of mortals and 2. He hits on so many girls, he probably just calls all of them 'babe' to avoid mixing up names. He might not even bother learning them. _

_Think that's it. Thanks for reading!_


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